Such Heartache

I got a phone call from a friend needing help. Her friend had adopted a girl when the girl was age 6. The girl is now beginning her teen years, and the mom is beside herself, and wanted to know if there is any way to give the girl back.

I gasped! Imagine a mom wanting to actually un-adopt a child! Then I got more information on the situation. This adopted girl is taking all of her energy and time. The rest of the family is being put on the back burner, the oldest daughter is feeling that she is going through her senior year alone. The mom is emotionally spent, and her marriage and family are suffering.

The adopted daughter is very insistent in repeating "you are not my mom", and "you don't own me" and "you cannot tell me what to do", "this is not my family", "I don't belong here", "your values are not my values" - among other things. She doesn't want to participate in family things, would rather be my herself, insists on her own way, declares that she hates her family, etc. She is wreaking havoc with this family, when all the family wanted was to give her a home.

As I learned more about this family, I realized that she is experiencing and being pulled into the biggest manipulation trap. She is being controlled by that daughter and that daughter is controlling the entire family.

A counselor once told me two things that I carry with me, and was able to share with this mother. "You just show her what a family is, and some day it may mean something to her", and "you cannot make her love you, no matter what you do".

While this poor mom and family are at their whits end, they must keep their family together and put energy in to the ones who want it and appreciate it. They need to never ever change to fit the antics or desires of this child - but the child has the choice to become part of them and live in a loving family or leave when she can.

I debated telling them what they would not want to hear but must. Truth is, that no matter how hard they try to make this daughter a part of their family, they should anticipate being called "irresponsible, negligent, judgmental, immature, dramatic" and other things some day by this daughter.

They will be blamed for every bad choice this daughter will make. There will accusations of abuse, and the daughter will tell people lies about them, even saying that she may be afraid of coming home because she will be met with a shotgun in her face.

The parents will be blamed if the daughter fails to get her proper I.D. or documents necessary for life. These parents will be told they are under "legal obligation" to provide documents that the daughter my steal from them. They will be told that she "has a new family now". She will cease to call them mom and dad, but their names, or even worse Mr. and Mrs.

Hard facts - hard to say, hard to hear, hard to live through, but best to be prepared for.

Please keep this family in your prayers - they live in California and are really struggling.