Such Heartache

I got a phone call from a friend needing help. Her friend had adopted a girl when the girl was age 6. The girl is now beginning her teen years, and the mom is beside herself, and wanted to know if there is any way to give the girl back.

I gasped! Imagine a mom wanting to actually un-adopt a child! Then I got more information on the situation. This adopted girl is taking all of her energy and time. The rest of the family is being put on the back burner, the oldest daughter is feeling that she is going through her senior year alone. The mom is emotionally spent, and her marriage and family are suffering.

The adopted daughter is very insistent in repeating "you are not my mom", and "you don't own me" and "you cannot tell me what to do", "this is not my family", "I don't belong here", "your values are not my values" - among other things. She doesn't want to participate in family things, would rather be my herself, insists on her own way, declares that she hates her family, etc. She is wreaking havoc with this family, when all the family wanted was to give her a home.

As I learned more about this family, I realized that she is experiencing and being pulled into the biggest manipulation trap. She is being controlled by that daughter and that daughter is controlling the entire family.

A counselor once told me two things that I carry with me, and was able to share with this mother. "You just show her what a family is, and some day it may mean something to her", and "you cannot make her love you, no matter what you do".

While this poor mom and family are at their whits end, they must keep their family together and put energy in to the ones who want it and appreciate it. They need to never ever change to fit the antics or desires of this child - but the child has the choice to become part of them and live in a loving family or leave when she can.

I debated telling them what they would not want to hear but must. Truth is, that no matter how hard they try to make this daughter a part of their family, they should anticipate being called "irresponsible, negligent, judgmental, immature, dramatic" and other things some day by this daughter.

They will be blamed for every bad choice this daughter will make. There will accusations of abuse, and the daughter will tell people lies about them, even saying that she may be afraid of coming home because she will be met with a shotgun in her face.

The parents will be blamed if the daughter fails to get her proper I.D. or documents necessary for life. These parents will be told they are under "legal obligation" to provide documents that the daughter my steal from them. They will be told that she "has a new family now". She will cease to call them mom and dad, but their names, or even worse Mr. and Mrs.

Hard facts - hard to say, hard to hear, hard to live through, but best to be prepared for.

Please keep this family in your prayers - they live in California and are really struggling.

Tiger Woods Apology

His sweet face wont' get him far now - how many people do you know who depend on their good looks and sweet words to manipulate their world? (and it WORKS until people catch on to them)

A few thoughts came to mind watching his apology. He has completely destroyed his family with his actions, and a mere apology won't change anything.

"I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply," he said.
He did NOT say that those values were forced on him, and he did not adhere to them. He owned the values as being something of benefit. He never said those core values were his moms, not his. I think everyone knows what core values are, and the fact that he acknowledges them is big. He could have said "I have my own beliefs and you have yours" - instead he is making a stand that there ARE standards to live by - Christian or not, nothing to do with religion. Interesting.....

Woods said he "believed he could get away with anything he wanted." Well, he DID get away with it for a long long time - but be sure your sins will find you out. Once one crosses the threshold of infidelity, or enter into behavior that is known to be wrong, one convinces him/herself that the rules are void - or even not applicable to themselves. They become obsessed with self - and that destroys all loving relationships. We are talking about repeated behavior here - not once in a while. That completely destroys, not merely damages, relationships. To rebuild those relationships is huge. A mere apology has nothing to do with it.

"I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and I deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me," he said. "I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules." How many times have I heard similar talk? The "I deserve" mentality can wreak havoc with reality. When one becomes consumed with pleasing oneself, others don't matter.

"I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did," Woods said. ....and he will have to live with these questions the rest of his life - those are consequences of behavior, a reality not to be bargained with.

"I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated," Woods said. "What I did was not acceptable." He was simply stating the obvious - this is not a confession, nor does it imply a turning back from those behaviors.

"It's now up to me to make amends, and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made," Woods said. "It's up to me to start living a life of integrity." Taking full and total responsibility - only from this point can one actually change. As long as others are to blame, there will never be change. He depends on no one else to help him change, or to be part of the change, or to even encourage him in his challenges, although he is getting help from therapy. He is not saying that what he has done has made him a stronger and better person. He knows it was horrible and no good.

"As Elin pointed out to me, my apology to her will not come in the form of words. It will come from my behavior over time," Woods said. His wife made the wisest statement of all. Words mean nothing if the behavior has shown to be careless and hurtful and selfish. There is no reason to believe he has changed. The burden is on HIM to prove he has changed, not on his family to now accept him.

I think of some "apologies" I have received. What if Tiger, in the apology, said things like "but you need to know the world is diverse", "what you are doing is way worse than what I did", "you have no idea how I feel", "I had to do what I had to do", "I am glad I did it, but sorry you got hurt", "what I did has made me a better person", "I just did what normal men do". Can you imagine Tiger trying to apologize like that?

Good luck Tiger - I would not want to be in your shoes for all the gold in the world, but I wish you the best.

Goodbye was also a Hello

It is odd how saying goodbye to Uncle Wayne was also a big HELLO to many cousins I had not seen in years and years. While no one wants to have the excuse of a funeral for a family gathering, it was a blessed event.

We numbered (these are first cousins on the Chandler side, mind you) nine out of thirteen - not bad, not bad at all. From left to right, the first cousin roll call, (in maiden names): Mike Chandler, Jan Vanderhoff, Ann Hagen, Dave Chandler, Judy Vanderhoff, Dan Cain, Jane Hagen, Del Vanderhoff, JoAnn Vanderhoff. Missing cousins: Steve Cain, Earl Vanderhoff, Gail Hagen, Eric Hagen How ironic that our two very youngest cousins are the ones who lost their daddy.



What is wrong with the Vanderhoff's - can't most families just take a decent picture on command? It MUST be the "Genes"

My mom and her dear sweet sister in law, husband less now. When I said good bye to Aunt Wanda, she told me that she wants to join her husband now, and not wait. For the first time of the funeral day, tears welled up in her eyes as she said this. Bless her broken heart.I gotta add, that little lady behind these 2 is Aunt Sylvia - 98 years old! Not kidding - she dances in high heels still!

Goodbye Uncle Wayne

This picture was taken shortly after my mom's stroke. Uncle Wayne came many times from Spokane to just be with her and offer encouragement.

My uncle Wayne is my only blood uncle - my mom had one brother by birth and my dad had no brothers.

Uncle Wayne was so special to me growing up. He was a high school counselor and I am sure I utilized his expertise many times.

He and my mom were super close - we always teased both of them about their noses, although his was much much bigger than hers.

He died peacefully in his sleep and will be greatly missed.

Please pray for my mom to be comforted in this great loss to her, as well as for his wife Wanda, and his 2 sons Dave and Mike.

I Loved This Text From Jordan Today

"I'm doing pretty good! Excited to start using my new mic! Growing a lot spiritually being away from so many distractions and in beautiful nature! Getting inspired in so many areas - the people I've met are amazing and I'm in some small groups. And having Uncle and Auntie to hang with - and a job!! I'm seeing that God (He said Jah but I know he meant God) orchestrated everything in the past 5 months so He could put me in a place to see Him and His hand"

There is nothing more tender than to see your children growing closer to God, and learning to trust Him more and more.

Jordan certainly has had his share of heart aches recently, but this blesses my heart to see how God is using it.

AND Jordan is almost finished with my first requested song - "How Great Thou Art" - I asked if it is amazing, and he said "Bad question to ask me! You'll have to judge for yourself. It definitely went in a direction I haven't recorded before! - with an Acapella feel and jazz harmonies!" I cannot WAIT to hear it!

Goodbye Philippians

After nearly 2 years I think, we finished the book of Philippians in church. I am sad - it was an amazing study.

This morning was the summary.

A. Christ-Centeredness

The apostle Paul was totally and wholly enraptured with the Savior and gripped by Him. His love for the gospel was most evident in his prayers for the church and in his desire to see them embrace the gospel.

B. Single-Mindedness

We are called to unity, and sometimes our unity in Christ requires church discipline to one who undermines the gospel of Christ or is not of the same mind (as point A) As believers, though diverse and different from each other, we have the same mind of Christ.

C. Heavenly-Mindedness

We are now citizens of heaven, our future is secure, we have strength in suffering and our conduct is worthy of the gospel. We are not yet perfected, yet we press on towards the goal.

Throughout the book of Philippians, we are told again and again to rejoice in all things - this may be the greatest lesson I have learned - in ALL things. In fact, at the Thanksgiving table, my family could all thank God for how our family is now - without reservation.

Such freedom comes with great thanks.

3 Generations

I love us - three generations of females, two by birth and one by choice.

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC!

SO for Christmas, Jordan is giving me: recordings and arrangements of my choice! I get 5 of them

hahah he said between 3-5 (well DUH I choose 5)

VERY tough decision!

I am thinking:

How Great Thou Art
Holy, Holy, Holy
Rock of Ages
Great Is Thy Faithfulness
The Old Rugged Cross...

YES I think that is great!